


Depression is like a wishing game

by Katspotatoe



Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Could continue as a series, Deppression, M/M, can read as one-shot, depressed!merlin, possibly one-shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-31 19:32:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6484732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katspotatoe/pseuds/Katspotatoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>More than anything it's just wishing. Wishing that someone'll find out about it. Wishing that they won't. Wishing that I could stop hurting. Wishing that I could hurt more. It is a loop of conflicting wishes, and I don't know which of them I truly want.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Depression is like a wishing game

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment. Tell what you liked or didn't like. I am completely desperate. I am thinking of continuing this, but I am not sure. Please tell me if you might want more. This story was mainly an outlet when my own depression was hitting. So it's probably not all that good, but please tell me what you think. Rating could change if continued, tell me what you would like to see.

Merlin pov 

When Merlin woke up it took him a few minutes to get the energy to get out of bed. Eventually, though, he had gotten off the bed and dressed in his usual attire. He walked through Gauis's rooms, stopping for a few seconds to give a cheerful greeting to the man. Gauis had, of course, tried to stop him and make sure he ate some breakfast. But Merlin just brushed it off by saying he needed to wake Arthur.  
It was half true at least. He did need to go and attend to his royal pratness, but he also did not feel like eating. Not because he wasn't hungry, but because he simply didn't want it to be wasted on someone like him. So he continued on his way through the castle.  
     He went to the kitchen first, picking up Arthur's breakfast. And set off to the prince's quarters. Reaching Arthur's rooms, he didn't hesitate to simply walk in. Arthur was still asleep, which was good. He looked serene while he was asleep, the weight of his responsibility did not reach him in sleep.  
Merlin wished that Arthur would always look like that all the time, that he could do something to relieve the prince's pain. But he couldn't, and he felt so useless when he thought about it. Arthur had many responsibilities as king, and Merlin felt even more worthless when he thought about all the times he complained about his duties. And yet he could never stop himself, as much as he knew he would regret it later.  
He checked that his sleeves were down enough to cover the scars, and he went to wake the king. He felt bad about waking Arthur, the moment he was awake his face filled with the responsibility that it did not have in sleep.  
With a long sigh, Merlin opened the curtains, flooding the room with light,and put on his usual chipper attitude.  
"Rise and shine, sire!"

Arthur's pov

Arthur was half awake when his manservant decided to walk in. But he did not feeling like completely waking up yet, so he didn't. He could hear Merlin shuffling to his table, and Arthur thought it was weird that he would be dragging his feet like that.  
     When he set down what must have been Arthur's food, the young prince thought he would almost immediately hear the shuffling headed toward the window. But he didn't, and all there was was silence. And minutes passed by like that. Arthur had no idea what to think, tempted to give up the guise of sleep.  
      He heard a very deep sigh from where Merlin must have been, and was instantly concerned. There were only two things that ever caused someone to sigh like that. And those were love, or sorrow. He ruled out love. Rationalizing that since he was the only other one in the room, and Merlin would never love him as much as Arthur wished he might.  
     So, something must be troubling Merlin, and Arthur didn't like the thought of that at all. But when he felt light hit his eyelids, he was greeted to the same happy greeting as every morning.  
"Rise and shine, sire!"  
So, he was going to act like nothing was wrong. It looked like Arthur would have to approach this situation with a touch of stealth.  
Grumbling, like he would any other day, Arthur doesn't make an attempt to get out of bed. Until Merlin starts to drag him out. Only then does he make any attempt to move, not fighting against Merlin, but certainly dragging his feet.  
When he finally does decide to stand up, he immediately heads toward the tray of food on the table.  
"What do I have planned today Merlin?"  
"Training with the Knights this morning. And then a council meeting in the evening. Not a very busy day, all things considered. You have the middle of the day all to yourself. Try not to get too bored during that time, you tend to give me more chores when that happens."  
This was excellent, he had most of the day to try and figure out what was putting Merlin in a mood. Perhaps he should give him the day off, that way he can spy on him when he doesn't have any responsibilities elsewhere.  
"Why don't you take the day off then Merlin? Since I don't have much going on I can't see any essential reason for you to work today."  
"Thanks. That's very generous of you for once."  
"Don't make me change my mind Merlin."  
The manservant gave a cheeky smile and head out of the room. He would just take the breakfast tray with him when he went to training. He also decided that the training would be short, and done without armor. He had real work to be done.

Merlin's pov

     He was surprised, to say the least, when Arthur gave him the day off. And it wasn't like he wasn't grateful to the king, but he did want to work. It kept his mind off of things. So he was very much happy to help Gauis with his various tasks.  
    Unfortunately even those ran out. And he was soon left alone with his thoughts. He decided to go to the woods, that was where he always went when he felt the emptiness take hold.  
     He simply walked. Until he was far away enough that he didn't think anybody would stumble upon him. He found a small clearing in the forest and rested against a tree there. He tried to focus on his breathing, take his mind away and simply let it be empty of torment.  
     Soon he was filled with them anyway.  And his breathing became much harder to manage. So he laid down on his side, in a fetal position, knowing what would happen. Taking deep breath from time to time, but mostly it came out very shallow. It was almost impossible to manage when he got like this, which was more frequent than he wished, so he simply decided to let it slowly calm down on its own.  
     He spent a long while like that, practically hyperventilating, until he could finally get it under control. After he could successfully sit back up again, he pulled out the dagger he constantly used. He examined it, it was still incredibly sharp, it was one of the only presents Arthur had ever given him. And Merlin silently thanked him for that. Or perhaps he had said his thanks out loud, he was too gone to tell.  
      He peeled his sleeve back, looking at the scars that already littered his arms. He put the blade to his skin and swiped. The sight of his blood made him feel better immediately. Feeling the pain had cleared the torment, if only temporarily. And he could breath again.  
     And then he heard a rustling. And his heart stopped

Arthur's pov

     He followed him to the forest. And the whole situation screamed that something must be wrong with Merlin. He seemed that he did not know his destination, but walked with determination nonetheless. With Merlin's pace it did not take long to reach a small clearing a mile or two away from the city.  
     It was there that Merlin stopped, resting against a tree, eyes closed. Arthur slowly, silently, skirted to the another side of the clearing. He was still hidden but could now clearly see what Merlin was going to do.  
     As he watched Merlin sank until he was laying on a side, legs tucked to his chest, arms wrapped around himself. And slowly he breathing became more and more erratic. It seemed he was trying to calm it down for the first while, but soon have up. Arthur wanted to jump out right then, pull Merlin into his arms, check that he was okay, that nothing was harming him. But he could tell that it was no spell or poison. He just couldn't think what could be affecting his friend that way.  
     Knowing that he would not get his answer if he jumped to his aid now, Arthur simply watched in horror as his best friend was silently tortured in front of his eyes. After what seemed like an eternity, Merlin slowly gained more control over his own breath and rested his back against the tree again.  
     He slowly rolled back the sleeve of his shirt, and Arthur was struck with a wave of nausea at the sight he saw there. On the young mans arm, where it should be only clear skin, were dozens and dozens of cuts. Some where clearly older than other while some looked far too recent. He wanted to kill whoever had put them there. No one could hurt Merlin like that and get away with it.  
      Arthur was even more surprised when Merlin pulled out a dagger, the dagger that Arthur himself had given him. He examined it for a minute, checking if it was still sharp, and simply turning it in his hand. What came out of his mouth took the king's breath away, "Thank you, Arthur."  
      Then the manservant cut open his own skin. Arthur felt another wave of nausea, knowing now that the scars on his arms were of his own volition. And using the knife that Arthur himself had given Merlin as a present. Arthur was so shocked he had to step back, but doing so he crunched the underbrush a little too loudly. And looked up in horror to realize that Merlin had, in fact, heard him.  
So, he stepped into the clearing. Immediately, terror lit the face of the manservant. Arthur tried to look as non-threatening as possible. He slowly approached the manservant. He opened his mouth, as if to talk. He had no idea what to say, "Why?" Was all he could muster. 

Merlins pov

It was Arthur. Why did it have to be Arthur? He was frozen, stuck watching Arthur's approach. What Arthur think of him now? He wouldn't make him leave over something like this right?  
"Why?" Was all that Arthur said. How was he supposed to respond? How did Arthur want him to respond?  
"I... I... I'm sorry." What else could he say.  
"Why? What are you apologizing to me for?"  
Merlin how no idea how to respond. He was ashamed. He had hoped that if Arthur had found out it would have been different. He just looked down at his lap, not knowing how to tell Arthur.  
"Merlin, I don't understand. Please just talk to me dammit."  
"I don't know how, Arthur."  
"What do you mean you don't know how? You just tell me what is going on. I want to help."  
"I don't know how I could explain it in a way that you would understand, clot pole. It's hard for me to understand, how am I possibly going to explain it to you?"  
"Start with why you cut yourself. Just start somewhere," At this Arthur moved so that he was sitting next to Merlin against the tree.  
"The cutting, it just helps. The physical pain helps with the pain mentally."  
"That doesn't make sense though."  
"I know that it doesn't! But. It's like. Imagine hating yourself enough, that you feel that you deserve it."  
"Merlin, surely you can't think of yourself like that."  
"Believe me when I say that I have tried not too. It doesn't work. I always feel empty," he leant his head, resting against the tree. Desperate for Arthur to just understand.  
"Let me help you, please. Just tell me how to stop this and I will."  
"I don't think it works that way, Arthur. It's more complex than that. It's like when you get angry, or depressed. You want everyone to pay attention to you, but you want to be left alone. It's kind of like that."  
"I'm not like that," Arthur said, a tiny bit offended.  
"Yes, you are. But it doesn't matter, it was only an example. Does it help you understand a bit better anyway?"  
"Yeah. I guess. So you're just like that all the time?"  
"Not necessarily. Some days are better than others. More than anything it's just wishing. Wishing that someone'll find out about it. Wishing that they won't. Wishing that I could stop hurting. Wishing that I could hurt more. It is a loop of conflicting wishes, and I don't know which of them I truly want."  
"Why were you apologizing to me though? That sounds terrible, you had no reason to apologize to me," he thought he was starting to understand, but he still had to know.  
Merlin shrugged his shoulder not knowing the real answer. "I don't know, maybe I was just sorry you had to see me like this. Sorry that you have to deal with me like this. Sorry you have to deal with me in general."

Arthur's pov 

"Do you really think so little of yourself? You're not some burden on my shoulder, quite the opposite actually. You're my best, if not only, friend ;just because you have these problems doesn't mean I am just going to abandon you. And, if anything, I am glad that I found you like this. At least now I know."  
"Thank you Arthur. I cannot promise that I will suddenly start getting better, but thank you for being there when I needed it."  
"I'll be there anytime you need me Merlin. Anytime."  
"Thank you."  
"Of course. I love you, after all," Arthur realized a second too late what he had said.  
"You love me?"  
"Yes. I understand if you don't feel the same way. And if you don't then please don't let it affect our friendship, I value you too much to have my stupid mistake get in the way."  
"Arthur, I love you too."  
     And Arthur couldn't help but kiss him. Merlin loves him back. And Merlin was kissing back. And then he was sitting on Arthur's lap, and he could wrap his arms around him, and good lord this was the most amazing moment of his life. And it ended all too quickly for Arthur's liking.  
"You have a meeting to go to Arthur."  
"Not if I don't go to it."  
     But Merlin was already up and walking towards the city. That man was going to be the death of Arthur.


End file.
